And A Family Clash"
If you follow my writings you will know
that I sometimes disclose parts of my life that are not so pure and wonderful.
Here comes one of those disclosures.
Picture me twenty years ago living in a tiny flat in central London with Sabrina
and my 14-year old son by a previous marriage. Junior had a real attitude
problem and several schools had asked him to leave. I was home-schooling him. At
this point in time he had joined a London graffiti gang and often disappeared
for days at a time into the London underground, occasionally surfacing to steal
food and spray-paint.
When home, he was a ball of frustrated energy and often sat on the floor of his
room firing his paint gun – designed for outside sports – at the door. The
splat and vibration of the impact resonated through the flat.
His attitude and behavior triggered me into anger especially because, in my
self-righteous eyes, I was doing my best to be a supportive and good father.
When he was younger he and I had been as close as two peas in a pod, but now we
Then one day we were arguing and I tipped over the emotional edge. I found
myself flying through the air, my arms and hands stretched out in front of me,
ready to grasp his throat and strangle him. (I hope that my readers,
particularly other parents, will not judge me, but feel compassionate sympathy
for the state I was in at the time.)
As I flew through the air to attack him, time slowed down and I had one of those
Zen moments of awakening and witnessing what I was doing. A voice within me
said: Perhaps now is the right time to take responsibility for my feelings.
These feelings of anger are mine. They belong only to me. I cannot blame my son
for my own anger. He is only the trigger. I have to take responsibility for my
My son and I stood facing each other, tense and flushed. I said sorry and backed
FEEDBACK FROM A FRIEND
I had a good friend with whom I could chat about everything. I phoned him and
told him what had happened. It was the first time that I had owned my anger and
it was the first time that I had shared with someone how violent I could feel
with my son. ‘Well William,’ his soothing, deep voice reassured me, ‘I do
indeed think you have some responsibility here. It’s a soul contract, isn’t
it? Are you not there to heal him? Did you not contract to be his father?’
(Years later this saintly friend broke his toe when, infuriated by his own
10-year old daughter, he aggressively kicked a kitchen table leg instead of the
girl. I was both sympathetic and reassured. We are all human.)
The following day in meditation, some thoughts and images surfaced. I saw myself
dressed in priest’s robes, standing high up, blessing soldiers beneath me as
they went to war. It could have been Europe in the Middle Ages or perhaps Japan.
‘Bless you, my children. May God grant you victory. Be strong and brave for
God is with you.’
In this meditation I could see that my actions as a priest were not innocent. In
my blessing, I was sanctifying and encouraging war and violence. I was a
godfather to the machinery that sends young men into battle. In this meditation
I saw also that my son was one of the young men I was blessing. I was
encouraging this young man to kill or die.
In the meditation I could now see the obvious. Following the normal laws of
karma, of cause and effect, the violence that I had created and encouraged was
now coming back to me. The violence was mine, not his.
And I want here to say a small word about this past life impression. It does not
really matter to me whether this was a true past life memory or even whether
there is even such a thing as past lives. But as a mythic way of unpacking and
perceiving the situation, it was useful. It gave my psychology a story through
which I could take responsibility.
I spent a while contemplating all this and taking responsibility. As best I
could, I absorbed my violence from the past and also sent it healing. Following
a deep instinct, I then began to apologize and ask for forgiveness. For several
weeks — and to some extent still today — I repeated my apologies and my
request for forgiveness. Slowly over months the family atmosphere began to
shift. My son and I are again the best of friends.
A decade later I attended one of the most meaningful workshops of my life, led
by Dr Ihaleakala Hew Len. In it he taught the fundamental strategies of the
Ho'oponopono healing strategy from the Hawaiian Kahuna tradition. (Ho'oponopono
is Hawaiian for forgiveness.)
He spoke about how his job had been that of an educational psychologist, who was
called in to troubleshoot school crises. He described how, as soon as he
received a phone call giving him a new case, he began to say the Ho'oponopono
prayer, which is very simple. It is spoken to spirit, to the mystery of the
cosmos, to God, to Goddess. The prayer is simple. You mentally face the
situation in front of you, and you pray and affirm:
This is my responsibility.
The moment that he received a new case, he would begin to silently say the
prayer of forgiveness. This is my responsibility. I am sorry. Forgive me. How
can it be your responsibility, I asked, when you know nothing about this new
case and have had nothing to do with it ever?
He replied, ‘If this difficulty, this crisis, has come to me, then in some way
– some way that I do not understand – it must be my responsibility. Why else
has it come to me? So far no one else has been able to deal with it. It has come
to me. It must be mine.’
I could see how this teaching applied to my history with my son. I could see so
many other possible threads of connection too, through past lives and ancestors.
In some way we are all connected with everything, with everyone and with each
other. We are connected with whatever is in front of us, good or bad, harmonious
or angry. So why ever run away from taking responsibility?
This is a very mature and grand action — to take responsibility just because
it is close to us. Without in any way being disempowered or guilty or shamed, to
be big enough to take responsibility, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Knots
of suffering are loosened and healed by this maturity and generosity. All denial
and avoidance are melted. We trust the grace of universal benevolence.
Imagine. In that row with your family or relative or colleague. In that judgment
or anger at someone else. You simply pause. You stop blaming and justifying.
When someone makes me cross I no longer blame them – at least not for long. As
soon as I am able, I sink into the Ho'oponopono prayer of responsibility,
apology and forgiveness. This prayer sings with the same message and resonance
to be found at the heart of many other faiths, such as Christian forgiveness,
Muslim charity and Buddhist compassion. It trusts the healing benevolence of the
cosmos. In the language of A Course in Miracles it is a shift of attitude that
creates a miracle of transformation and healing.
It is a simple strategy, but profoundly powerful.
I am responsible. I am sorry. Forgive me.
All my love.