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September 2007



9-03-07 -

"The highest form of maturity is self inquiry."

-Martin Luther King Jr.



I mentioned taking a sensory awareness workshop with Judyth Weaver the beginning of July 07' and so am getting ready to post some of my realizations from the workshop. Charlotte Selver was one of the leading pioneers in the body movement/awareness field. I became aware of her during a class at Fairhaven College late 90's called Awareness Through The Body I & II. So, I decided to do Google search this morning to find out more about her and came up with some great links to add here and to my personal links section. Some of the links are indirectly related to others she taught throughout her life:

A book preview that offers excerpts from Bob Makura's book "Ego, Soul, & Beyond: A Soulworker's Handbook - Tools, Concepts, and Keys to Answer the Ultimate Question." Offers insight into the value of body work and discusses hugging in a very different light:



Here's a link to the Sensory Awareness Foundation. There are two areas I would suggest, one is the listing of Charlotte Selver's writings on the left hand column offering numerous articles by her and others. Secondly is the links at the bottom of the page, which lists teachers and their personal websites with articles posted on them as well. They are full of incredible information, experiences, and insights:  Check out the article link as well


Sensory Awareness: "The Rediscovery of Experiencing"

Body Work and Being: The Deeper Significance of Somatics, by Don Hanlon Johnson (Website)

Continuum articles by founder Emily Conrad

                Emily Conrad D'oud videos on


Emily also has a recent book posted on her website. Reading the excerpt will give you an idea of where she and others are going in terms of inner awareness. I would also recommend reading the workshops she offers, which will also expand on what she is delving into. There are many who are aware of much more than what we have been taught. The system is not going to be supporting this, only because they are so wrapped up exclusively in entrenched thinking.

I continue to have more layers releasing and on the one hand they are challenging, after they are released, there is a freedom and a knowing that takes the place of what was once constricted and hidden. More stuff about patterns in my life that I had not been aware of in another area of interactions. Sobering, but very freeing to be aware of the pattern and to make conscious choices to go in a direction that is more abundant and affirming to one's Being.

Be Well!


9-15-07 -

I'd like to comment on a recent response I received from the above Continuum video links by Emily Conrad. Someone I know contacted me, telling me they had received some scary imagery. No one else received this imagery, so after checking the links myself, it occurred to me that it was an inner experience. This was quickly dismissed and covered over by the person. Having had time to contemplate on this, I've realized how disturbing this is, since the person could not and would not come to realize that it was an inner experience, meant to distract them from viewing the material. What is so revelatory about this, has to do with the inner psychic astral influences that tried and somewhat successfully curtailed any further exploration of the videos and their content for awareness. How someone can profess to be spiritually aware and totally oblivious to these implications, is testament to the forces that move within our inner planes, hence the need for discernment. When a person cannot know the difference between what is based in the material realm and the astral realm, then there are grave consequences. This occurs more than we would like to be aware. Ironically, I've been writing about Bernard de Montreal's book, Beyond The Mind, and this is exactly what he is talking about. This experience is still rippling through my own consciousness as I become more and more aware of the challenges of waking humanity from its lethargic comatose condition of living almost exclusively in the intellectual components of the human condition.

I have also become more aware of how most schools, colleges, and universities are part of the problem. While it is important to understand the complexities of the external world, it is critically essential that we come to intimate terms with our inner domain and all the complexities and organic nature of its eternal, timeless, infinite essence. Intellectualism is like metal; there is a hardness, a dryness, a dullness of knowing based and built on others ideas. It is a knowingness void of direct experience, of knowing within without needing to prove the validity of a truth, especially ones that deal with our humanness. Our culture does not condone, nor freely allow individuality to embrace the fullness of the body and its complex feelings, emotions, and intuitive knowing, as well as actively seeking to know the inner planes of consciousness. Humanity has been continuously led down a path towards more and more intellectualism, which is taking us further and further into more darkness, pain, and suffering, all the while professing to offer us the truth of knowing the absolute; how absurd.

People only become more and more cut off from their humanness, moving into more judgment, with less and less empathy for those who continue to fall to the way side and get trampled on by those who profess intellectualism as the way out of the madness. And let me be clear about intellectualism, because we have been conned into thinking that intellectualism is different from thinking, and yet the two are identical in their egoic mindset of living within the head void of any real direct inner knowing of truth. Truth has a feel to it, one knows if it is valid without needing scientific proof. Science can impart knowledge, but in itself it is only a tool for subject valuing, having no value whatsoever when it comes to objective knowing. We are not separate from the Universe or Nature, or others, for we are all intrinsically interconnected in ways that current intellectual knowing is clueless about.

Ironically, we have come to "think" that in order to know something, some truth, that we must go and get some degree whereby some "expert" tells us that we now know what truth is, as if we do not have the potential to go within to know whether or not truth exists as we perceive it intellectually. We have an entire infrastructure of education that is much like a concrete factory, pumping out concrete data that can be verified as truth, that allows us to be impartial, to not get involved or to close to authenticity that would alleviate "all pain and suffering," and I am not alone in this realization, since Buddha also discussed this at length, and as have others in the past. We have ideas of what humans are and should do and that is as far as it goes, because in order to continue to live the lie that humanity has been living, of creating the ideas that separate individuals into good and bad at every single level and component of enculturated living or it should be called intellectual death, because it is truly a death, there is no light, no warmth, nor joy or bliss. What humanity professes as joy and bliss is actually conditioned responses, patterns, and beliefs that give a debit or credit on our actions; a reward system based on external approval of following the next wave of culturally conditioned truths to surf on.

I am reminded of my own awakening process while attending college and the continual startling realizations as to how far removed "modern society" was and is from authentic being and living. My time at Fairhaven College actually led me to a major breakthrough that led to the beginning of my ignorance of just intellectualism alone. By the time I graduated, most of the students and faculty wanted nothing to do with me, because I refused to by into their ideology, which was that white people should feel guilty and ashamed of what they have done to the world and make themselves less so others can have more. The misunderstanding arose because of this intellectualization, which is tied to materialism, for that is what intellectualism is; it is tied to a conscious that is externally based on people, places, things, but mostly on money. When a person is disconnected from their authenticity, which is their real worth, their self worth, then one must put value on some external thing. The idea that one must live in shame and guilt over what those in the past have built past and current empires on, of which the many have little or no control or awareness of is absurd.

Being conditioned to follow culturally sanctioned rules, beliefs, and being forced into habitual patterns closes off the inner connection to live exclusively with an external focus. In this state of existence one is unaware of what they are unaware of, and this cultural blindness is so effectively intellectualized that people literally cannot not know the effects of their actions on others because they are not in any way connected with enough inner depth to know empathically the suffering and pain of others who are on the receiving end of their actions. Waking up is probably the most challenging thing one will ever have to accomplish, because no one can do it for you. There is no effective way of waking up completely intellectually. This is why education at best prepares one to enter the doorway of the inner domain. This inner domain is where we actually reclaim who and what we really are. As I have said before, we are nothing connected to the external world. None of it has any validity over our inner authentic being.

And this is the real cause of the friction while attending Fairhaven College, because anyone who makes the conscious choice to go against the highway of intellectual information highway begins the inevitable mindquake to those who don't want to go within. As children we were forced to abdicate this inner knowing/being state, of which is the truly only real value in this world or any other. Inevitably, we were terrorized by the system components to become imprisoned in the world and its existence, we were frightened in many ways into obeying the sign at the boundary of the inner domain that said, "Danger, Stay Out." So, when someone steps over that boundary, the first thing that is done is to collectively jump all over them and if need be ostracize them for not following the rules to intellectualize. If you haven't read Richard Bach's book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, then I would highly recommend it, because Richard touches on this very issue.

Upon graduating Fairhaven College I wound up having some inner experiences that led me to Matthew Fox's school affiliation with Naropa University and his M.A. program in Creation Spirituality. What transpired from my time there was the complete realization of how intellectual their spiritual program was. Most of them were or had been priests, nuns, pastors, and in hindsight I can see the program was doomed for failure in the sense that their main cultural software program was Christian doctrine. Ironically, I worked in his office and had the opportunity first hand to find how controlling and dogmatic Matthew was with his own staff and instructors. On one particular day I got to hear him yelling at the top of his lungs at one of them. The dysfunctional drama that went on in that school scarred many who worked there as well as those who attended there. Jeremy Taylor who taught most of the dream classes was fond of discussing how the administrators were assisting the students in healing their shadow side. How ironic that the administrators were unwilling to heal their own inner wounds and biases. Most of the students that were attending during my time there, were not satisfied with what the program offered and wound up protesting the lack of moving into more authentic learning. Ironically, those who disagreed were conveniently told to leave or that they were the problem.

Matthew is much like many who have come under the influence organized religion, or to put it bluntly, organized self-hatred, have been conditioned to foster intellectualism. If this were not so, then there would be no need for the dogmatic use of the bible and religious writings from the past to make sense of the ongoing present. While Matthew has some good books, they fail to take in a reality check of living from past information. His book, One River, Many Wells was presented as showing others that all the religions were the wells, yet he conveniently avoided the realization that creation spirituality is a well. At best, writing about someone else's past experiences, no matter how insightful it might be, still does not offer any direct experience of the fullness of spirit. One cannot go into this infinite space with intellect in tow, because to do so, requires an active ego to categorize the direct experience based on outmoded information that is stored in our memory, mainly of past events.

I walked away from that experience completely sober to how lacking that whole religious system was, not to mention how many of those who joined his organization were hog tied and forced to abide by his idea of truth. In a whole system perspective, each person is part of the larger context, and by extension, must have say in what is being created. If truth is the desired effect, then one must be willing to entertain other ideas based on others experiences and not what conveniently fits into one's own personal ideology. The need to control is the basis of covering up this intellectualization of self and the world. I am glad for the opportunity, but it lacked true warmth, compassion, guidance, and spirit. One cannot know spirit by staying anchored in intellectual knowing, nor can one continue on unabated to challenge the system when still anchored within the same system of belief that created the mess in the first place. 

Creation spirituality is a well like any other religion, it is based on the writings of those in the distant past who were Christians, who had their own direct experiences. There experiences were the lens that they discussed their experiences. Given the past and the level of understanding they had of reality, as well as how they lived, and the sort of power structures that existed, it must inevitably come to light that they too were biased based on their enculturated belief systems within a time frame when the Church was God, rather than an organization that led individuals to direct experiences. I'm not denying their experiences, for those are valid, but when we continue on unabated within the same cultural context, then we put limitations on the experience. One cannot continue to hold onto their intellectualized ideas of knowing in egoic mode and surrender to the inner domain of which we arose from. It's simply not possible, for at each step along the way, one becomes utterly aware of the absurdities of intellectual assumptions. This process shines light over one's unconscious parts and then some.

To say it is a rude awakening is an understatement, for it is not an easy thing to do to step out of one's entire existence from a cultural context. Spirit is so far beyond what we could even conceive of that it often terrorized those who have those deeper experiences. One is not left untouched by them, nor are they always prepared for what reveals itself. There are those who have paved the way for being able to undertake this inner journey, and they have not been in vain. Via all the intellectualism, there were always those who chose to take a different route, much to the chagrin of those in power. Every step of the way, there have always been those who were trying to wake up out of the madness that humanity has dwelled within, and we are at the crossroads of moving out into the fullness of the inner domain, to have enough vocabulary and experience to navigate and communicate with the higher beings who exist in this matrix. There is no room for arrogance, conceitedness, or the desire for fame, glory, or money. All of those things are totally worthless in regards to entering and engaging those who are far superior than we are at in our present condition of isolation from our birth place.

We have been systematically exorcised of our spiritual connection to higher states of awareness. All the while we have been led to believe that those who are in touch with spirit via the church or state are mostly clueless as those who have no contact at all. For their intellect weaves a further web of deception away from the source by getting them to think about it. Thinking begets more thinking, its like this never ending chatter, that never stops. I'm reminded of the guy I lived with while attending Naropa-Oakland University who confided in me that he had to have the radio or TV going all the time because the silence frightened him and was afraid he would fall into a bottomless pit. I can assure that this is not the case at all, but rather one falls into their authentic condition of self and the dimensions of the inner domain. When this occurs, all the trappings, all the facades and masks begin to dissolve quite magically. The reaction that occurs with this process can be fearful and or terrifying, but those are not who we are at all. They are merely the defenses against stepping into what the ego "knows" as the unknown. Our higher self knows this domain, because it has never lost contact with it. The lower egoic self and the soul are what have sunk into disequilibrium of the whole and this process arises from the systematic fracture and dismemberment of our spiritual connection. When this occurs, we lose our connection to the divine higher levels of consciousness with eternal beings, to become constrained by lower astral influences that manipulate us for their own gain and growth.

One cannot know about the direct experience except by stepping through the inner portal and finding out what is there and to remember who and what you are. Our modern society is like the stone age only worse in more ways that I can put in words. Words cannot convey how stifled humanity is and how imprisoned the many are with their intellectual mode of existence. Everything we have been conditioned to believe comes crumbles into nothingness when compared to the inner experience and what is truly possibly. Those who control via churches and state are not interested in individuals having direct experiences, they do not want people thinking for themselves, nor do they want them questioning the rules or the stifling reality that has arisen from the limited concepts of consciousness. The possibilities that exist in being conscious and awake are amazing. To many it would be a shock to find out that they have been living via a system that is so stifling and damaging, but the good news is that our psyches have built into them energetic mechanisms that do not allow for overloads. There is a natural flow to opening, just like an apple tree goes through stages before becoming an apple. Trust in this process, for there is a flow that will take you right into the abyss, to realize that while it is truly bottomless, there is an organization to it that defies logic, that will support you and assist you in opening to the profound and humbling realizations of what we truly are as spiritual beings.

The time is now to awaken, to embrace who you truly are and to become more than the stifling examples we are forced to abide by via personality tests and academic testing. None of that garbage is what we truly are. Personality is a socially constructed mask and one need not rely on academia to come up with research to prove or disprove particular theories. Spiritual beings are not theories, we are not constructed via culture, rather culture is a force geared towards walling off that aspect of who we truly are. This is what church and state have spent a great deal of time creating; a great wall meant to keep you imprisoned from your birth place and your other half, the higher self. The external world is a reflection of this ongoing imprisonment, all of it created to box your consciousness into being focused exclusively on the external world. 

Humanity has been so conned into believing the lies that the lies have become the truth. And, while this is going on, the egoic mechanism having no direct connection to truth itself, is at the mercy of trying to figure out the puzzle, only it has no idea that most of the puzzle pieces are missing, and creates a reality that is extremely warped based on misinformation. If people had all the facts, they would quickly realize how the entire system is like a house of cards. The entire system is rotten to the core and everyone lives in fear, being told that there is no other way to live that this is the only way to go, and of course this is the continuous message we keep being bombarded with, that we must continue to trust in those who lead with the carrot stick dangling over our heads in front of us.

There is another way, and young children are the example, not the helplessness, but the authenticity that exudes from their being, because they are totally in touch with the inner in ways that the many are handicapped from. Authenticity is not something that ever goes away, it is simply waiting for our us to turn our attention to this inner domain of which is part of who we each are, to gain an understanding of what we are out of touch within our selves, and to be guided back into alignment, balance, integration, and wholeness. Even the most open minded of the intellects are still gate keepers and prison guards, because they continue to orient others to their intellectual road maps to being. One can do all the right things, but it still doesn't take us home to our rightful connection to our inner domain. We do not need any one external to us to tell us how to be authentic, nor do we need anyone external to tell us what truth is. What we do have within ourselves is our sovereignty, of which I have spoken about regularly, that arises from self-respect and self-love to respecting and loving others unconditionally. In this state of being, we allow our being to guide us and to make sense of truth. In this space we do not delude ourselves into complacency or further denial, shame, guilt, or fear. We are aware of what is not working for us and we authentically listen within to find the way out of what is not working to full realization of what harmonizes the wholeness within, in order to bring harmony to the external world.

If one looks at the current state of affairs, it is so obvious as to how it mirrors our inner conflict/crisis. Our governments are carbon copies of the same sort of inner egoic structures of tyranny. All the government held secrets are everything we are unconscious about within our own selves. The lies, misinformation, distorted facts, half-truths, the laws are all mirrors of what the egoic, soul, and astral influences are continually bombarding us with. The violence and wars are merely mirrors of the Armageddon's that occur on a regular basis between the dark (astral influences) and the forces of light. All of the isms and stereotypes are the masks, facades, walls, that cover up and distract us from who and what we truly are as spiritual beings. The truth will set you free and they know it, which is why the current external structures are becoming more and more blatant in their attempts at stifling this rising in consciousness. Fear is the name of the game; some do it for money, power, prestige, vanity, but all of these are still based in fear.

I'm reminded of a quote at the YMCA:

Fear is the exact as excitement, only without the breath.



Breath is intimately connected to consciousness. Breath is the first thing that gets shut down in young children as they are enculturated. Dysfunction is traumatic in ways that we are just becoming conscious of and the depths of this trauma is staggering. Breath is shut down when trauma occurs, because holding the breath shuts down the feelings. If you watched the Continuum videos above, you will recall Emily discussing how it is like we have taken in this huge breath and are still holding it in. This is why we are taught not to cry as well, for grieving would lead to purging the stuck energies of trauma, if given the space to do so. This is why current psychology is such a farce, because the unfoldment process can be contained by the one hour sessions that regulate the healing process. 


I realized this when I had my huge opening last year and sobbed for a long time, much longer than I would have been allotted in the mainstream therapy clinical template of healing. The healing process would've been interrupted, which is why I spirit was so insistent that I go to the coast that particular weekend. They knew that I was ready to open up and purge. I am sure there are some who will think this is absurd, in fact they must do so in order to keep their facade intact. But, let me assure you that this very same process occurs in the very young, who while being indoctrinated and terrorized by the adults around them often breakdown, crumpling into a heap as they sob. Indoctrinated adults see this as crying, but it is full-bodied sobbing. It's how we re-integrate back into wholeness and its the one thing preventing us from healing exponentially.


What we don't ask are questions that would lead us out of our own terrorized nightmare of stifled existence. Children are aware they are being forced into abdicating their sovereignty, as well as their direct connection to spirit and their authenticity. If you were forced to abdicate who you are, via varied punishments, whether they be physical or emotional or mental, you would be crying as well. The problem is adults had it done so long ago and the trauma was so effective that it was blocked from our conscious memory in order to fit in and obey. Adults in their own trauma, repeat the same procedures done to them in order to maintain their own denial. This is part of the fallout from traumatization. To go against one's inner knowingness is a feat beyond your wildest imaginations, it is like building a dam against this incredible power within, which is this flow of energy, of consciousness, and it is why we are taught to suppress our sexuality, our feelings, our emotions, our creativity. There is an exact science as to why this is so, it also why male infants are circumcised and I will continue to say it again and again, it is one of many ways to break the inner spiritual bond. You might want to start asking why people would do these things, and if you were to critically think about it and allow yourself the freedom to question reality, question authority, it would take you to the realization that it is not an external event that is causing these events.


All events are inner events, they are either coming from the astral plane or the etheric plane, in simple terms, these are lower or higher levels of consciousness and they exist in multitudes of levels. When you begin to entertain this idea, it will begin to open one up to other realizations in regards to consciousness. We are so conditioned to not think or to think it very narrow limiting linear lines of reasoning. One could call them closed information loops, because this is what a paradigm is. Note the specific outlines of rules to obey:


  • what is to be observed and scrutinized,
  • the kind of questions that are supposed to be asked and probed for answers in relation to this subject,
  • how these questions are to be structured,
  • how the results of scientific investigations should be interpreted.

While this is based on Kuhn's rules for scientific investigation, they have become the basis of how we perceive reality. Culture has defined what the operating system will be and not be. We do not question what the rules are because we are so identified with the operating system as our sense of self, when in fact is just an operating system we were indoctrinated with, of which we self-police via the ego and from astral influences.

We are not our bodies, and yet they are sacred vessels, of which allow us to inhabit the lower denser material planes of reality. They are conscious beings in ways that we do not understand due to our limited consciousness. To successfully navigate the new world, it will require one to realize that everything is alive and sentient in ways that defy our current level of intellectual knowing and scientific understanding. For those who have a hard time with this sort of understanding, perhaps it would help to frame the perspective differently. Suppose the universe is full of other sentient life forms based on a physical body on the material plane. Suppose they too came up with their own scientific paradigm, along with other different ways of knowing and being. Who would be correct and right? Because this the natural flow of egoic intellectual thinking void of one's inner connection to source, and in an egoic context, the nature of the beast is to argue from a right/wrong polarized dichotomy. What if we were to begin to integrate by using beliefs like that are inclusive and complementary, rather than right or wrong? The universe is infinite in ways that stagger the egoic mind, and one is eventually led to the realization that different perspectives create different outcomes, much like here on planet Earth. It is not far fetched to realize that similar situation could occur on other planets with different densities, structures, magnetics, and energies, which would then give birth to different cultures on their worlds, with different ways to understand and make sense of their world and their regions of space.

One cannot come from the perspective that I'm right and you are wrong. It has not worked here on this planet, of which we are still caught up in the throes of, nor will it work anywhere else in the Universe. Which is why we have not had contact with other sentient beings because we lack the inner connection that would naturally allow us to be aware of these things. I am reminded of historical accounts of the Conquistadors arriving in Peru and the Incans smelling them coming for miles. This is a perfect example of two different cultures coming together, with one thinking it superior to the other. Most of our world is still in various states of this neurosis, this insanity of "thinking," that the other is the problem, is in need of correction or obliteration. Ironically, most of this thinking stems from a consciousness based in Judeo-Christian beliefs that have been consistently misinterpreted by the intellectualization process, interpreted by individuals who have no direct connection to higher source, for if they did, there would be none of the insanity that has existed for eons. As a civilization, we will successfully graduate to higher states of consciousness, when we get out of our thinking modes into the receptive telepathic communicative modes of the right brain, which connects us to higher states of consciousness. We are not separate, nor were we meant to be isolated in our consciousness.

Just because we have been spoon fed truths since birth, doesn't mean we have to continue on this way. If your life is not going so well and you are finding it challenging, then it is time to start calling into question what you believe and why. When we are conscious, we intuitively know what to do, when to do it, and with whom, without any need of external influences to tell us what to do. When one successfully weans themselves off the collective unconscious energy fields, then one begins to power up their own inner power source to navigate from the inner higher self perspective. This is the only way to make change in the world, for all we have control over is our own self. As more and more of us begin to call in question our belief systems, we will begin to free ourselves from the ideology of enculturated free will to a spiritual free will; these are two different contexts. Think of it as conditional versus unconditional; limited versus unlimited.

The inner is a receptive mode, the feminine energy of listening. The feminine has nothing to do with the cultural ideology of gender stereotyping. Being receptive is to listen, to be open too, to hold one's hands out to receive a gift. True higher sources of consciousness have no need to control others and are there to assist us with guidance that will allow us to transform ourselves to higher states of awareness. We are more than the sum total of our parts. On one of my excursions to the ocean, while sitting on the beach in meditation, I became aware of my inner mindscape, wherein the receptive side (right side) had been invisible to me due to so much thinking in the past. With my mind quieted, I was able to realize an expansive state that equally encompassed both aspects, right and left, that made a more large whole, that opened up into other realms of awareness. I would liken this to sitting observing a still pond of water, that in its infinite stillness, allowed one to see all the way to the bottom of the pond with clarity. Likewise, when someone through a pebble into the pond, the clarity was distorted by many waves. Thoughts are the same way, negative ones are like stones that prevent clarity. If we get distracted by the negative, get pulled into the fear mode, of which is the external world, then we lose that inner clarity that would guide us assuredly through the external world. Our true self is not in the physical body as we know it, but within it at a considerable depth that defies our understandings of dimensional parameters of depth. Everything we are taught in this material world orients us to external viewpoints. The inner world is not limited by the linear world of concepts and as such has dimensions, depths, and perspectives that cannot exist in the material plane. Perhaps the two are inter-related, but one is external, one internal, where as the inner is and always has been our source from whence we came and is our source of true inspiration.

Humans like to "think" their thoughts and ideas are there's, much of it comes from source or the astral planes due to our shut down state of existence. If we were to be connected to the inner self, we would know that we exist as a psychic being and are in touch with other psychic beings and in need of discerning those from higher or lower consciousness, which is easy to do given the basic tenets of True Guidance vs. False Guidance. There is either fear or love and the variations of life is based on the varied levels of connections to either one. Which one do you choose?

I have been noticing that I am shifting away from thinking more and more to encompassing more silence. Silence is incredible, it is like a music that soothes me in ways nothing else does. As I learn to navigate my life more by feelings, it is becoming more evident as I orient myself more away from what is not working to what I truly want, that I am lacking in sensitivity to the more subtle discernments of feelings for direction. For instance, I can discern whether a restaurant, cafe, store, or place is positive or negative, as I can for people and things. With making new decisions about where my spiritual path is taking me, I'm finding I am out of touch with what feels right, due to so many years of going against this inner knowing. But, I know with practice that this phase will open up into direct knowing without having to police if I am falling back into patterns of thinking versus feeling. When it feels right, I'll be significantly well on my way unobstructed by old limiting patterns.

I am reminded of an old friend who told me one day that if he didn't have science he didn't' have anything. This person was definitely not in touch with his authentic self, for our self worth is never based on anything external. It is my hope that they are becoming more aware of this to be free from imprisonment. Ironically, it is true in the external world that some prisoners upon parole, find they are uncomfortable in the world and get in trouble so as to go back into prison. Humans do this upon waking up to greater awareness. If they are uncomfortable and are unable to stand on their own energetically/consciously, then they often slip back down into lower vibrations of consciousness. The same is true when an electron borrows energy to jump up a level, if it can't hold that level of energy on its own, it will drop back down to its last level. Perhaps I've not stated this principle exactly as it occurs, but I think you get my point. We operate the same way. We can use another person to jump up our consciousness, by using their energy, but if we are alone, then we often drop back to our prior state. This is one of the problems of relationships as we have known them. They are dependency systems based on energetic patterns of give and take. More often than not, they are usually at extremes, one gives the other takes or there is a struggle over energy that can take place in various ways. Suffice it to say, we each are connected to an inexhaustible source of energy/consciousness that requires no one to receive, except to open up into the receptive and receive. We are never denied, unless of course we are disconnected from source.

To whom it may concern in Oakland: "Music At The Stairs"


9-16-07 -

The masses often think that those who hear inner voices are mentally imbalanced. However that may be, for the record, much of what the bible is based on comes from those who were hearing inner voices and we have a current president who professes to hear God talking to him. Discernment is the key and we have been conditioned to listen to what others tell us truth is, to tell us whether or not what we are getting internally is valid or not. This sort of non-sense is based on correcting anyone who might begin to question the current way of life, it is the same principle that is at work against all young children, of which all of us were at one point. Religion and political groups do not want anyone to realize that they have an inner connection with which to communicate directly to higher consciousness, for if the truth were to get out to the masses the jig would be up permanently. If we were allowed to unfold within loving supportive environments, this connection would come on line or stay on line, allowing each beings higher self to be consciously present and emanating their light, their essence into the world. This is why there is so much turmoil and distractions in the world, especially so now, because we are moving close to a major shift in consciousness and those in power do not take kindly to losing what they have taken. This taking back what is our birth right requires no violence, requires no arguing, no explaining. There are no requirements to be met, no payments to be made, no permission required, nothing but a desire to be whole and in touch with our higher self. There are no sins to atone for, because if one could truly understand what has been going on, one would sober up quite quickly and get to work in freeing oneself from the imprisonment. Waking up to the implications of the whole process and understanding how the patterns and beliefs sabotage authentic being will sufficiently reveal information from within each being to navigate successfully into true freedom of being.


9-20-07 -

I ran across this quote

Ram Dass on Psychedelics...

"I saw that after a glimpse of the possibility of transcendence, I continued tripping only to reassure myself that the possibility was still there. Seeing the possibility is indeed different from being the possibility. Sooner or later you must purify and alter your mind, heart, and body, so the things which bring you down from your experiences lose their power over you. Psychedelics could chemically override the thought patterns in your brain so that you are open to the moment, but once the chemical loses its power the old habit patterns take over again. With them comes a subtle despair that without chemicals you are a prisoner of your thoughts."

There's a lot of truth to this, the drug itself is actually an inactive placebo that shifts one out of the imprisonment of the mind, into higher states of consciousness. When the effect wears off, one goes back to the world of the mundane as it is seen via the cultural filters. This is why drugs are addictive, not from the drug itself, but from the experience one opens up too, it is sort of wanting out of the prison of the mind, so they keep doing the drug of choice to get back to that state of higher consciousness. The issue isn't the drug, its the lack of information and teachers to show one how to dissolve those blocks in the first place, so as to not need the drug. The government or elite or those in power, whatever perspective you take, don't like the idea of those who are learning how to break out of the prison, which is why those drugs that dissolve the walls are illegal, to ensure no one gets out of their control.

Its sort of comical that the system, to include most of the psychology/psychiatry field are just as clueless in understanding this, and because of their own cultural bias continue causing more damage. In all indigenous cultures, the shaman understood the roles of psychedelics and knew how to use them for healing the body, mind, soul, spirit. Interestingly, mainstream calls them hallucinogens,  an ignorant word created by the powers that be who want you to believe what you experience is an hallucination, meaning it is not real. I recall my first shamanic workshop, where we learned how to journey. At the end of the first day, riding back to the dorms, I recall sitting quietly going over my inner experiences. I had this big realization that children's "imaginary friends" were not so imaginary. And the experiences I had were definitely real in ways that most in our culture, to include those in the academic knowing fields or religion that are not wanting us to know about these, because they short circuit all the programming about what reality is.

I recall one particular experience of going journeying using my drumming CD, and going down the tunnel and at some point coming into a room with curtains, which suddenly parted, revealing a being with vivid blue eyes . To say I was startled was an understatement, as we faced one another for a short time. Then I continued on until I came to an exit, like going out of a cave. I walked out into the day light into a village of these tall fierce warriors, who were lined up on both sides of the path. I panicked for several moments, as I realized that they had been waiting for me (I just intuitively knew this). There was this dead silence as they all stood there with their weapons, as I walked slowly down the path. At this point the CD started to do the return signal and I returned to consensus reality. I had been journeying for some images to paint for my Cross-cultural Shamanic class at Fairhaven College. I remember being scolded by the teacher for journeying freestyle.

My point in sharing this is we all are hardwired for this inner journeying, whether you do it with music or drugs, or without anything. I use all three when at different times when spirit nudges me. Psychedelics are spiritual tools period. It is unfortunate that the powers that be in their fear of losing power, really a fear of the unknown, force others into believing their lies. If people had an inkling of what lies beyond their limited beliefs, they would puke from the realization of the narrow mindedness they have been imprisoned into. There are realizations to be made that will expand your mind exponentially into what is the greater aspect of who you really are. The cultural rules/patterns/beliefs are like this huge dam, blocking off the greater infinite aspect that is our birth right.

With that said, waking up out of this trance is challenging work. The pitfalls are great of going back to sleep or giving up, which is to say letting ones ego lead you back into submission. I know of quite a few people who have done this, starting doing the initial work, and then getting a sort of backlash, where they got into some awareness of stuff they were not ready to deal with, and the ego lashed out in anger (fear) and they identified with the anger or hatred, as if it were there's, when in fact it was just the ego aspect playing the trickster element, and as often is the case due to habit, the person reacts and identifies, and gets a "go to jail" card, like in the Monopoly game. It is unfortunate that many still do not have enough information/awareness and or support groups to learn about these things, so as to not get caught up in the egoic game, to be able to free their minds.

Once one is able to start identifying these distractions for what they are, then other realizations are acquired along the way, which takes more bricks out of the wall; I'm reminded of Pink Floyd's The Wall song, "another brick in the wall." The wall merely blocks us from seeing/experiencing what is in the inner dimensions. Within our own self, is our psychic space, call it the right side of the brain. It is here where one can eventually experience the two halves as whole, which in fact they are. Due to being distracted for so long from childhood on up, most people eventually just forget about this inner space, and are so caught up in the external world, that this becomes their world, and in this mode of experiencing, there are a vast array of filters in place that dim, distort, and dumb them down. In reclaiming this inner mode, one becomes aware of the fact they are more than they "thought." One begins to experience an incredible silence that is like music, that is soothing, and there is a felt sense of connection to the vastness of the universe. One may experience it, see it or just feel it.  When these two modalities of knowing come together, one begins to realize more and more how absurd and shallow the external world is.

It takes time to get this, but it doesn't have to take decades to do via meditation. I've heard people say drugs are short cuts, and that is an ego response to their own fear of going deep within. There are no short cuts to dealing with the shock of realizing how closed off one has lived. There are no short cuts to the unfrozen feelings that begin to thaw and arise for purging; for these feelings are stuck negative energies needing release. There are no short cuts to opening oneself up for circumspection, facing the truth within, wrestling with the egoic infliction, the inner astral influences, the ingrained fears and patterns based on beliefs that have nothing to do with unconditional love and truth as it is known from higher states of consciousness untainted and untarnished.

I have met many people, so called spiritual people on the path babble about his short cut nonsense, and it is obvious it is their egos talking, walking them around by the nose ring they wear, much like the cows in olden times. They pride themselves in their intellectualness, mostly unaware of their blindness. Added to this nonsense, are those who have their psychic abilities operating to varying degrees, professing to be in the know. But when one is in intellectual mode alone for the most part with the psychic apparatus functioning, distortion often arises from what they are receiving, since they are not grounded and connected to their higher self. Being psychic is an astral phenomenon for the most part. If one does their own inner work and reconnects to higher self, then one finds there are distinctive flavors of information arising, and you begin to intuit what is light and what is dark, with lots of distortions of gray in the middle. The astral realm is home to the dead from this planet, as well as to other psychic beings who do not incarnate. Learning discernment takes a great deal of time, learning to have a healthy sense of skepticism is really important here. 


9-21-07 -

Perhaps some or all of what I am saying seems absurd or off the wall or crazy. However that may seem, doesn't it seem sort of odd that the rest of the world is "normal" all the while its getting more and more violent, more wars, more governmental control by the haves? And isn't it sort of odd that people are getting more and more miserable, cold, isolated, unfriendly? Odd too that the machine of corporate greed continues to destroy the very air, water, and soil we need to continue on living? Odd also that addiction is up, disease is going through the roof, as is debt, urban sprawl, more traffic, pollution, etc, etc, etc? Now if that is considered normal, then I'll eat my hat, because it is insanity spewing its self hatred all over the place. There's no love whatsoever, and what is there that we "think" is love, is nothing more than getting acceptance for following the silly assed rules that are killing everyone in one form or another. Then again, some people are quite content with insanity, with the rules, of being imprisoned. But, I'm not speaking to those who want to be prisoners. I'm speaking to those who are tired of the game.

To be continued...


9-22-07 -

I spent the day up on Galbraith Mountain, mountain biking with a friend today. We came to this one section of woods that the trail went through. I caught up to my friend, who was stopped, as he commented on how beautiful the space was. The area was low lit, and you could see the sunlight filtering in through the trees on the periphery. But what really drew me in was the incredibly deep still silence. The sound of it was so amazing, the kind of silence that settles into you, draws one into their deeper self, the sort of silence that illuminates truth within. These sacred spaces as I call them, offer an opportunity to understand what inner silence is, when the ego chatter is finally curtailed enough to begin to hear the clearer voice of higher self and source. This silence is healing for the body, as well as the mind, soul, and spirit, in that it integrates all aspects into the Oneness that Being offers each of us at our core. I wanted to sit there for awhile, but my friend wanted to move on. I gathered he had some awareness of sanctity of the place, but the call to mountain bike was greater than the silence.

When one begins to lessen the ego chatter and the other thoughts that surface within the mind space, then this silence, which naturally occurs there, begins to make itself know. This is why there is so much ego chatter, is it blocks out the silence, acts as a distracter from entering into this silent space, which is actually a conduit for communicating with higher self and higher beings. Discernment is always the key; is what coming through in love or fear? There are moments when nothing comes through and one wonders where is the guidance, the answers? In those situations, it is because we are meant to learn discernment by using our feeling centers for what feels right for us in each moment. Most humans spend so much time listening to the cultural software they downloaded (the rules), that they have forgotten how to know truth for themselves outside of the box of conformity. Our feeling centers in the chest, stomach, abdomen areas, are components for feeling via the energy centers (chakras), located there. This is why I have been seeing so many more people smoking of late, especially the younger ones, because the nicotine actually suppresses the feelings in the chest area. In the stomach area, food is often used to suppress feelings, the term stuffing feelings fits here.

I quit smoking in 1986 while in the Army, due to almost throwing up my lungs after doing a two mile run for our physical training tests. After leaving the military in 1989, I began to wake up and began doing counseling and eventually wound up doing ten sessions of Rolfing (see body work link) in 1991. At some point in the sessions, I started having these funny little squiggles of feelings in my chest area, in an area no bigger than a humans little finger. Over a period of years, I began to become more and more aware of these odd movements, or at least that is what I thought they were. Finally the last few years of doing a lot of body work, has led me to realize that it was my feeling center coming back on-line. As it began to become more active, I was able to start making connections to what was going on around me. This offered feedback essential to understanding how I was feeling about what was going on. Feelings never lie, they sense the truth of a situation with a person, place, or thing completely accurate. When we get it wrong, it is because we are thinking about it, thinking we are feeling, but we are just thinking it.

The stomach area gets our attention when we consistently don't get the first line alert of the feelings in the chest center. The more urgent the message, the more upset the stomach is. Those who have upset stomachs a lot, regular indigestion, stomach problems, are those who have blocked the feelings in the chest area, as well as those in the stomach area. When I spent some time at Rialto Beach last year, I was standing at the ocean shore, looking out to sea. I was led to an inner vision of how where the ocean met the beach was symbolic of our connection in the stomach area. They showed me how the beach as an area at the back of the stomach area and the ocean going outward from there; sort of like laying a map flat down in the stomach, so the beach is towards the back and the ocean out to the front. Seeing this I understood it immediately, but explaining it to you in words requires more words than the actual imagery I received. When we are listening to our feelings and acting on them, the ocean is calm and serene. When we don't listen, the ocean starts to swell with large waves and if we continue to ignore the signs, this is when the storms arrive with howling winds, crashing swells and waves pounding the shores, with rain and wind getting mixed in there as well. Due to being shut down, we do not learn to navigate these warnings as we should, so instead we ignore them and continue to go from one stormy event to another, in most cases blaming the other.

The abdomen area is active when we have a lot of fear present, due to not listening to either of these two other areas. It is a base level capacity of letting us know via bowel cramping, gas, pain, etc. This type of thing occurs normally from day to day depending on what one eats, it is the more extreme versions of this that I am talking about. They arise to let us know that we are afraid of a person, place or thing. Usually it is about moving forward, but can also be other things. Discernment will always show us what is out of balance. Our job is to learn to act on what arises from the discernment process. All of these systems are warning systems, guidance systems, that are meant to assist us in navigating through life. Unfortunately, the many have been taught to shut them off and ignore them. They can be turned back on and put back in full operation. In doing this, one has to start acting on what needs to be addressed.

In 2002, I was working for an organization that was not very functional. Going to work was not enjoyable and the administrator and others were mostly unfriendly. I was doing DFA (see body work link) and in one of the sessions, the practitioner asked me how I felt when I went into work. I tried to think about it, but had no clue, and so told her I would find out the next day. Upon walking through the front doors the next morning, I felt my entire chest area squeeze tight like a fist energetically. I was quite startled by this, but had the awareness that if it closed, perhaps I could reopen it. So, after a bit, I was able to get the area to relax and open up. Thus began a process of noticing what transpired in that area as I went about my daily activities in and out of work. I noticed this area shutting down in areas I wouldn't have expected too. I began to do journeying that led me to being made aware of layers of physiological holdings, as well as energetic levels, and eventually being shown how to let go to more expansive levels of being.

So, here I am in 2007, with a lot of work and play spent in learning how to let go to more and more levels. They are almost infinite in their depths, but it is not so important to reach the last one, as it is to become aware of what we are holding onto and to let it go, to open up more to allow more higher consciousness energies in. It's about allowing the uninterrupted flow of divine consciousness to flow without any blocks. It should be noted that blocks can and do arise, these are not a linear context, they are not put in place in a linear fashion; more like a jigsaw puzzle being put together or taken apart. I continue to be amazed at the levels that open up and also to how taking off another level to let go leads to another level of holding in areas I thought had been released. One can be confused by this, assuming that it is a linear process. I haven't figured out a way to put what I observe into words that make sense. But learning to feel leads to feeling more feelings at a greater depth of feeling, and this leads to greater awareness of your body. The body is a barometer of what is going on in the egoic mind, the sort of thinking we are doing that limits and imprisons our awareness and consciousness. This is why I am always advocating body work. If people had the opportunity to experience how badly shut down they are, they would begin to make money and time available for body work.

My constant mantra is not verbal, rather it is an ongoing focusing and scanning of my chest and stomach area to catch the unconscious patterns that are instigated by ego that tense up those areas. When I feel the areas tense, I immediately go to work to release them. The more I do this, the easier it gets and the longer the duration of being free of tensions there. I have realized the importance of paying attention to the feelings so that I can begin to discern long before the tensions have to occur to get my attention. I've also realized that feelings are not so simple, in fact they are a language in and of themselves that puts the spoken languages to shame. Where humanity has gotten lost is thinking about situations instead of feeling them out. Exclusive thinking arises from living in a world that emphasizes man-made truths based on cultural rules of conformity, which desires people to adhere to rules that allow one to go against our own deep moral structures, to go against our authentic selves. This is why feelings and sensitivities are bashed and downplayed, is because they are the harbingers of truth; all ways...

The only way out of this mess is to stop buying into the cultural lies of conformity. The rewards from conforming are really a form of poison that contaminates our ability to interact with our Being and Spirit. While at first it may seem impossible and or difficult to go against culture, eventually you begin to realize the cost of going against authentic self. Then one begins to understands via feelings how destructive it is to go against the authentic self. Thus begins the journey to move back towards in balance and harmony, to be in one's flow and in the partnership dance with the divine spirits. This takes work, because its taken a lot of work to shut down and imprison the authentic being. If you dig a hole and bury something in it, to get back to it, you have to dig it back up. Yes, its hard work, but far easier to live with than living a lie. At times I get frustrated, but realize that I am not imprisoned, not asleep. I am having to learn more and more levels of discernment, to get more and more in balance and harmony to gain access to inner knowings' on my current navigation charts to listen to and follow.

When one is in their flow, they are intuned to spirit and are doing what brings them passion and life is joyful, blissful, ecstatic, and abundant. When these are not apparent and present, it is because we are out of tune with our inner guidance system. Our job is to keep searching until we find it. The pitfalls to this is staying present to the distractions that lead us astray; this the intellect, the getting caught up in the thinking process. Find yourself, feel it out, its there. If you are having a problem with understanding your feelings, then pick two things that are in conflict and ask yourself which one feels better than the other. Not thinking about it, but how does each feel. An example for me would be in deciding where to live. I envision the ocean shores compared to living in the desert. Each person would feel different about these, but for me, the ocean feels better. This approach will build up your awareness, which then leads to greater discernments and finer complex feelings to guide oneself. And in closing, this is where silence is beneficial, not only for higher guidance, but guidance from your own authentic self. 

Listen, Feel, Know, Act...

Also, I'd like to recommend an excellent book called "The Language Of Feelings", by David Viscott.


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