Perspectives On Sexuality
I've updated this article to include more wisdom I've gained from direct experience. I don't believe anyone can be an expert or knowledgeable by just reading books or listening to another talk about it. Usually those who have talked about it are passing on their own biases; meaning fears. And, there are those who have experience that is negative only because they have not done their own deep work to eradicate their own fear, shame, guilt, and ignorance. Nor do I believe that religion can offer any meaningful and functional dialogue about sexuality, given their own major dysfunction, which taints their ideology. If one is dysfunctional, then how can one tap into their own spirit for guidance. The idea that someone else has the answers about what is right for another from a healthy functional aspect is ridiculous.
My major addition to this article has to do with desire. How can a person be a desire? The truth is one cannot be a desire. Let me be clear about this; one cannot be heterosexual or homosexual. These terms were not around until they were created in the last hundred plus years by males. Each of us has a huge spectrum of desires from material goods to non-material goods. Each person chooses those things that resonate with her/him. I find it rather humorous that we can acknowledge this for certain things, but not for all things. I call this selective reasoning. Desire is desire. Period, no ifs, ands, or buts. I do believe that we are hardwired to mate for procreation, for it is essential for the continuation of our species, and in addition it is essential for the continuation of the reincarnation cycle, which serves a greater spiritual purpose, of soul-making and soul-healing. Other than that, it is the heart, the inner plane of desire, spiritual desire, that resonates within us and creates gravitational attractions towards those that would offer us growth, healing, and spiritual union.
This idea that one is good and one is bad is the making of a twisted egoic mind living out of touch with spirit in dysfunction. This disconnection is a psychotic break perpetrated upon vulnerable children by dysfunctional adults. I consider dysfunction a form of insanity. If you look out into the world and see the handy work by those who profess to love, you will see a startling reality that is different from their spoken words. Love is unconditional, though one can love conditionally. In this article I use love in the context of unconditional. In truth, conditional love is not love at all. A sexual organ doesn't denote love, nor is the use of said organ, nor is there anyone particular way to use said organ to denote love. Love is something that resonates from one's heart; the resonance of the soul. Desire is an inner urging surfacing from the soul level. Desire is seeing the other as a body, mind, soul, spirit. At the core of our being, there is a deeper urge to become whole in body, mind, soul, and spirit with self and another to merge, to connect with higher levels of ecstasy/divinity; divinity is about divineness, the divine, beauty, purity, light, warmth, the womb. Most of what we accept as sex in this world is like taking a drink out of a cesspool. When you have those greater experiences you begin to realize how far we've sunk into the depths of unconsciousness. One cannot sever interactions with one's entire being, for to do so separates one's being; limits one's being; which has to do with the Fall, the turning away from wholeness and the response-ability one has to embrace all of their being. Dysfunction creates fractures based on what is acceptable and what is not, which is another article in and of itself.
Sherman R. Buck - 3/08/06
I believe that sexuality is intimately woven with creativity and spirituality. There is no separation of these, much to the chagrin of those individuals and institutions, who would like you to believe otherwise for their own dysfunctional comfort (illusion). There are three perspectives here that are important to understand. The first one has to do with those who will do whatever they can to stop others from knowing and living their sexuality because they are frightened of it within themselves, so they must stop it in others. They live in fear of what others will think about them. Secondly, are those who know their sexual feelings and want to act on them, but stop themselves in fear of those who might pass judgment or work diligently to stop them. Either of these first two are a loss, for each side comes from a place of great fear and hence imprisoned by their own making; choices. Thirdly, there are those who know their sexual feelings and act on them without shame or guilt, and remain free spirits. If they are unable to be free, they work with great determination, motivation, concentration, and courage, to free themselves during their journey in life. They cannot tolerate being imprisoned by others beliefs and ideas on what it is to be whole in body, mind, soul, and spirit.
Most of humanity isn't living it is dying. When human beings become frightened they begin to shut down, and if it is not stopped it kills them. Fear, the great inhibitor of life. What gets shut down is our life force, our creative, sexual, spiritual energy. It takes an enormous amount of energy to shut down our life force, the more dysfunctional a person, the more energy it requires. It takes no energy whatsoever to let go and be, it is what we were designed to do and be. Instead we are taught to shut down our energy, our awareness, our desire. Fear is a energetic device used to shut down the flow of energy within our systems, much like a dimmer switch on a lamp. Same principle, watch the light dim. This is what happens to us, and our sexual feelings diminish greatly. If people could experience sexual/spiritual feelings without all the blocks, it would literally blow your mind away...This is why most of the mystics talked about being celibate, not that it was bad to have sex, but because they were having sexual/spiritual connection with the divine that was beyond anything they could compare it to on earth. I have had these experiences, and let me tell you, its like comparing a glass of water to an ocean.
Here are pertinent excerpts by Terry Kellog and Marvel Harrison, from their book "FINDING BALANCE: 12 Priorities For Interdependence And Joyful Living," which aptly discuss this interwoven complex aspect of our Beingness.
From Chapter 7 Spirituality:
"Spirituality is the core of our being. We do not have a shame core, we have a spiritual core. The spiritual core is the very soul of our existence, we share in an energy of life and being. What we are is our spirituality, the birth and song of creation. Our coming to life and living, the becoming of us is the journey of spirituality. The sharing of life and existence is being one with creation and the creator".
From Chapter 8 Sexuality:
"We cannot not be sexual. We are sexual all of the time. Our relationships are sexual because we are sexual beings. Many of us are hurt, confused and afraid of our sexuality, which puts us in stress situations with ourselves and requires a process of recovery. Sexual recovery is difficult in a culture that places so much energy and emphasis on sex, sexual attraction and sexual activity. Sex is trivialized, commercialized, mistaken for intimacy and used as power. At the same time it is repressed, secret and shameful. Unless one has recognized sexual abuse in the past or acknowledged sexual addiction as a problem, there is little support available.
Sexuality is a core of our identity. It is our relationship with ourselves as men and women. How we express our relationship is how we express our sexuality. We are gendered beings. How we relate to the gender we are is sexuality. Sexuality is our immersion in the pool of creation. Through our sexuality - our maleness and femaleness - we experience people, awareness, places, sounds, music. Our enjoyment of ourselves, our pleasure in our surroundings, our relationship with our bodies and our physical reality are all expressions of sexuality.
Sexuality is the physical and emotional response to desires, urges, touch, fantasy, needs, noticing and human survival as well as cultural and family messages. It is our participation in creation and creativity. Creative energy, the poetry of life, is based on our sexuality. Procreation is a function of our sexuality, the need for continuation of ourselves."
Here's an example of what we all do in one form or another in terms of deluding ourselves, how our egos construct incredible labyrinths within the psyche so we can conform; the illusion of safety. I remember when I was a sergeant in the Army at my last duty station at Fort Lewis, WA. There was a young man who was in my squad, whom I found out from my platoon leader and platoon sergeant, was being chaptered out for being gay. I remember being irate about that and telling them I would have a talk with him. I went up to his room later and talked to him about it. In my mind I was angry that he hadn't come to me about it and I asked him why he didn't tell me. All the while in the back of my mind my ego was busy reeling from the breaking down of the walls of my own denial of my feelings for him. I had been fantasizing about this guy, who was married with two kids mind you. Several days later we went on a long car ride to talk. I spent a great deal of effort trying to convince him to not act on his feelings. Even more funny, I remember a friend several years prior confiding in me that he thought he might be bisexual and I had told him exactly the same thing word for word. Needless to say he listened to his own inner knowing and looking back on it I'm glad he did.
That episode made me look at myself and my inner world, something of which I avoided like the plague. I was terrified of going there. I finally was able to realize my own egos game plan:
"If I could convince others to not act on their feelings, then I could stay in denial about my own feelings."
This is how most of our culture works and we aren't even conscious of what we are doing until the walls come tumbling down. The great lie and it isn't just sexual orientation that we lie about either. The labyrinth of the ego is a vast uncharted realm of disenchantment and illusion. At the core of all this denial is fear. Fear of being authentic.
The inner is full of stuff we are taught to bury and to never go digging for. All the things that are unacceptable; truth, honesty, integrity, unconditional love, curiosity, joy, ecstasy are all buried there. In order to live in a world full of adults that believe in racism, sexism, gender stereotypes, ageism, homophobia, classism, materialism, judgment shame, guilt, and fear. One has to force anyone who doesn't believe in these limitations to believe. So the process of stifling begins as children from the day we're born. Thus begins the gradual imprisonment of our authentic self. This is the legacy of our cultures, which deny the inner world at great expense, forcing those who do not follow the rules into unconsciousness through any means possible. Terrified that their own authentic self might come out and betray them, desperate to maintain the concrete facade of illusion of fitting in and being accepted. This is the basis of the kind of love we support in the world; conditional love.
There are many who argue against this and must do so, otherwise their denial would crumble and begin to reveal repressed feelings. I find all these actions ,from so called loving people, to be a terrible tragedy. There words might be of love, but their actions have no love whatsoever. Religion is the worst of all in its proclamation that same-sex orientation is an abomination, a sin. Religion doesn't do much better for opposite-sex orientation either. Those who claim to be religious and or followers of Jesus, recite verses that support their denial as if those verses are the whole truth. Just like any other book, one questions the content if it goes against what knows in their heart. The bible like any other book can be altered by those in power. This doesn't take away from the history and stories. One can tell the ones that come from spirit and those from unconscious human beings. Ironically, those who pass judgment conveniently overlook "thou shalt not judge," and the pillar of what Jesus and others spoke of about unconditional love, meaning no conditions. The absence of unconditional love is sin. Jesus spoke about human beings made in the image of God and yet that too is overlooked. From my own spiritual awareness, I understand this to mean that we all have a full spectrum sexuality, that all of it is divine. It doesn't matter who you love, spirit is only concerned about whether or not you love unconditionally. Religion has come to be the reflection of what humans deny in themselves. The human ego shuts out spirit and takes over believing it is spirit, and begins to wreak havoc on itself and the world. This is the domain of the ego, fear, and it is the absence of love, of light, and of spirit.
There is nothing loving in the actions of those who hate.
There is no love in those who pass laws to deny the expression of love between two consenting people.
There is no love in those who commit violence against others.
There is no love in those who discriminate against others in employment, housing, marriage.
There is no love in those who humiliate or harass those who desire to express their love for a same-sex partner.
There is no love in those parents who disown their own children for loving another of the same-sex.
There is no love in those who disown their friends for loving another of the same-sex.
FEAR = ANGER, HATE, VIOLENCE
We are not lost, for children are our natural teachers for what authentic self is, for what we can be if we can just let go of enough of our fear to watch, listen, and learn in love. Children have no walls, have no judgments, have no fear, and because of this they are unconditional love. This requires vulnerability, something I re-learned from interacting with a friend's five-year-old nephew during the summer of 99'. He was an incredible teacher for me in so many ways. As I continue to awaken myself, I can now see the young people around me in incredible pain and suffering at the hands of adults who are terrified of what the young ones mirror to them. These children and teenagers suffer tremendously at the hands of adults who desperately and methodically eradicate, stifle, smother, suppress, and outlaw anything that would allow them to be authentic. They are sent to church and school to be brainwashed into what is acceptable. And yet in that terror, the adults do a great deal of damage in body, mind, soul, and spirit. The terror, hatred, and cruelty they wield is rooted in fear, a great fear which has accumulated over time from the constant process of stifling and denying the authentic self. It is time to heal our wounds.
December 30, 2002 I went to see "Bowling For Columbine," a new movie out by Michael Moore. I was deeply moved upon seeing the footage from the video cams in the school showing the two young males calmly walking through the rooms shooting and setting off bombs. I felt a great deal of sorrow for two young males who could see no other way out other than resorting to violence and lashing out at the injustices. Adults are so far removed from reality that they cannot see the damage they do to young people, let along themselves. I believe there are a great deal of young people who feel this way, trapped, imprisoned by a loveless society. You disagree perhaps? I would suggest that there is a correlation between how children are stifled and not allowed to be themselves and growing up holding all their pain, suffering, holding in all their anger which eventually turns to hate, self-hate, and violence. Let's not forget the incredible guilt and shame they carry as well. Adults are not exempt from this either, for children grow up to be adults. One can look at the rate of violence, crime, addiction, suicide, the number of prisoners, and the increasing greed and corruption as signs of this correlation, unless of course one doesn't want to see it. Can you say denial? We are a culture in denial about a great many things to include racism, sexism, ageism, gender stereotypes, classism, materialism, not to mention homophobia.
HOMOPHOBIA - FEAR OF ONES OWN HOMOSEXUAL DESIRE/FEELINGS
Our nation doesn't have a problem with heterosexual desire/feelings. We are encouraged to read about it, talk about it, watch it, participate in it. There are all sorts of laws to ensure it. But our nation does have a problem with homosexual desire/feelings. The many discourage any reading about it, talking about it, watching it, or participating in it. It's quite obvious that there are lots of laws against it and a great deal of social pressure to conform to heterosexual norms. Another thing I find interesting has to do with heterosexuals, bisexuals, and homosexuals in general. The heterosexuals dislike the homosexuals, the homosexuals dislike the heterosexuals, and yet both dislike the bisexuals, who are quite content to just be. Interesting. What is it they fear?
I've grouped links on gender, sex, and orientation together because this is as they should be. Our society has a great deal of fear around these subjects. The many work diligently to ensure we don't know about these things. We don't get taught at home or in school or for that matter at church about who we are as fully functioning spiritual beings. Society tend to take what it likes and that which it doesn't like gets tossed out and denied. Western culture breaks everything down, but in the end it compartmentalizes them and forces us to amputate pieces of ourselves that are not separate. I do not include a great deal of heterosexually oriented information because we live in a culture that overwhelms everyone with it at home, education, communities, business, in the media, politics, economics, sports, etc. It would be one thing if the full spectrum of orientation were given equal footing, but at present it does not. I do not lay claim to any label in regards to my orientation. I am not a desire, but a being who chooses to act on my desires as I see fit in any given situation. I see my sexuality as a compass and my being as the needle, pointing the way at any given time. I only but need listen to what feels right and then I am on my way. I believe we choose everything in life and it is those who are frightened of fully living who begin to compartmentalize and who then force others to conform in varied dysfunctional ways to their limitations. Love from the heart and soul, makes itself known and sex just happens to be one of many ways of expressing this love. Love is a giving to another freely and fearlessly, something that requires vulnerability, sensitivity, and complete honesty in appreciation of the other. By the way, sex is not just for procreating, it is for healing oneself and others, it is expression without words, communication by touch, a joining of souls to commune with spirit. Fear pulls us away from this union, love goes toward it. We are a society of erotophobes:
Erotophobia - fear of the erotic; fear of desire
All of us pay a price in a world full of gender stereotypes, sexism, homophobia, shame, guilt and fear. Erotophobia is the fear of the erotic, fear of sexuality, fear of creativity, fear of spirituality in all of its fullness and entirety and hence fear of love in all its divine essence. At the core of this is the fear of life, the fear of living as fully as an authentic human being. Why would we not want to be in love...why would we not want to love others...why would we treat the other as if they were less than "I." Those questions lead to illumination... From my own spiritual experiences, I know that we are all one, literally, and so that "other" person over there is no less and no more than "I." What you do to another you do to yourself. Ego cannot see this because it is frightened of this and will do whatever it can to eradicate love.
Helen Keller has this incredible quote that is fitting here:
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
I do not hold the idea that a particular person is born or genetically predisposed to be one or the other. I believe that to be a cop out by those who wish to avoid responsibility for their own fears, as they try to avoid the feelings and desires within themselves. This is what the many do in an attempt to avoid what is inside of them. Funny how no one is knocking themselves out to find a heterosexual gene and funny too how there are no homosexual therapists/scientists validating studies that disprove heterosexuality. As a soul, outside of this particular body, we do not hold the human form, nor do we as souls, hold the ideas that are inherently taught to us by our particular cultural environment. I am not here to comfort people, for there is no comfort in deluding ourselves. Soul has come here as male and female, and been in opposite as well as same sex relations. There is nothing soul has not been or done. I know these things because I have seen them within my own being. Soul is not human...not by a long shot.
As human beings we are primitives in terms of our understandings about sexuality. We have a great deal of work to do in coming to understand, to know, and to embrace all that we are. I will again repeat what I quoted earlier: Sexuality is spirituality and spirituality is sexuality...