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"How To Stay Stressed"

DON'T EXERCISE. Exercise does nothing but tone up your muscles, improve your cardiovascular system, relax your body and change your brain chemistry to provide a natural high. Not only that, but it wastes a lot of time you could be spending on stress-building activities.

 EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Ignore what the doomsayers’ claim about excessive cholesterol, fats, sugar, salt, red meat, vitamins and fiber. They’re all trying to get on TV talk shows and make a buck. Besides, if cigarette smoke can’t clean out your system yogurt isn’t likely to. Stay out of health food stores, those expensive traps for faddists. Your body knows best, right? Above all, if you want to stay stressed al day avoid breakfast like the plague.

 STAY OVERWEIGHT. To maximize the effects of stress on your body, especially your heart, try to stay at least 15% over your recommended weight. Why should you be judged by fashion-model standards?

 TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards will usually do the job: Caffeine, nicotine, sugar and cola. The way they stimulate is to cause a mini-stress response and get the adrenalin flowing. And you know how much that is.

 AVOID RELAXATION TECHNIQUES. Ignore the far-out claims and improbable research suggesting that anything resembling meditation, yoga, deep breathing, mental imaging, positive affirmations or solar hot tubs can relax you in any way whatsoever.

 GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. The mounting evidence that a strong social support system improves your physical health, psychological well-being and probable life span should put you on guard. Don’t call your friends, let them call you. Friendships are something you can be concerned with only if you have time - and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friends, avoid them. Above all, never share your problems with anybody.

 THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Take your choice: Either enjoy your sense of humor, or enjoy being stressed - there's no room for both. Humor gives you distance from your problems and makes a creative solution more likely. Laughter is even rumored to have positive effects on the body. Staying stressed is no laughing matter and it shouldn’t be treated as one.


Updated: 7/30/2013