My friend Steve just moved to Santa Monica, CA and was telling me about this amazing Canadian photographer named Gregory Colbert, who has a show going on there called Ashes to Snow. Here is the link to his site: http://www.ashesandsnow.org/ He has some amazing imagery.
I've been going through a lot of inner changes again, and again, and again. I am exhausted. In my younger years, I always heard about mid-life changes, as if that was the only time change occurs, as if only certain people have "those problems," wherein everyone else is fine.
F - Fucked up
I - Insecure
N - Neurotic
E - Egotistical
Ironically, centering the text doesn't line it all up and leaves it looking skewered; sort of like those who believe they are FINE. I personally find this humorous. If one is willing to look within, they begin to find that there is a great deal of "stuff" that is not in harmony or balance. Looking at it, feeling it, may be overwhelming. There is a depth here that defies logic, does not have boundaries, nor is it interested in cultural contexts, academic contexts, or what you think reality is. Letting go into these realms is your worse nightmare or rather your ego's, and that is where we need to go to heal the deeper wound, the soul wound. It is not something quaint, tidy, neat, placid, which ego needs to keep things locked away i.e. the heart, passion, joy. It is the meat and potatoes of the insanity of the world; Heal yourself and you heal the world. Dream time has closed its doors for the most part the last couple of weeks, with just short out takes every now and then. It feels weird not having my normal flow of 5-10 dreams in the morning. But, I do know that I am dreaming, because there is this sense of this immense movement going on that is bigger than this Earth. I feel it with my bones and being. And every once in awhile this dream comes through that is so real it is just simply stunning; my jaw drops down to the ground and I am left in awe.
I've been doing a lot of body work the last month. I had my first reflexology session a few weeks ago. Wow. It took me ten minutes to get up out of the chair; talk about expansive. It's hard to explain these states. There is a relief that is immense, a sense of peace that is gigantic, a space where the mind chatter is non-existent, where one's mind is at complete rest. This restful state goes on for some time afterwards as well, affecting the quality of the mind, sort of training it to sit and be quiet more often. For that I am grateful. I consider it a blessing. It's sort of like being around others who have to have the radio on all the time. It drives me nuts to not here the silence. I've been there, so I know and I know others who told me they have to have the radio on or they feel like the silence will suck them down into a bottomless pit. What the issue is, is there egos fear of being silenced, so the ego convinces us that we must fill the silence, lest something happen. What happens is the eventual downfall of ego in imprisoning the heart. I want my heart completely free, nor am I willing to accept the limitations of others, the system, of religion, or anything else that is not in full alignment with spirit.
Energetically, there is a lot going on. I have been doing a lot more grounding, half-hour hot showers, quiet time. Actually, the hot water helps cleanse our energy field that can collect others negative energies. I am finding it hard to read, even the fun stuff like sci-fi; I just cannot read, it is almost unbearable, sort of reminds me of the Monty Python movie where this huge fat guy engorges himself with all this food, and the waiter comes over and asks if he wants an after dinner mint. The guy tells him no, that he's full, but the waiter tells him it's just a small mint and keeps after the guy, till finally the guy gives in and eats it. The mint goes down, but then there's all this rumbling that begins in his gut, until finally he explodes; shit all over the entire restaurant and their guests Sorry for the gruesome example :) but that is what it sort of feels like :)
I've gotten pretty sensitive to energy, which started with my kundalini experience back in 2000, and it is has not let up. I have spent a great deal of time learning how to handle it, ground it, and be with it. I'm sensitive to people sucking off energy; yes there are energy vampires. The other side of these sort of people is their needing to realize they have their own energy source, which is why my homepage states, "it's time to tap into our own energy sources." We have spent eons getting our energy needs met via others. Not only are their individual energy vampires, there are also large organizations that feed off of others, such as corporations, governments, religious institutions, any that take away from others rather than building them up. When an institution is more interested in wealth and power rather than sharing with others and showing them how to live in abundance, then they are vampires.
So, what does one do with these sensitivities? Well, one uses them to know what sort of characters surround you. It lets you know when you are in a positive or negative place. It's part of our birth right to radiate joy, ecstasy, peace, and unconditional love. If you "thought" that love was this physical act, this thinking process, then you missed the boat. It is an energy, a highly refined, higher vibration of energy that knocks your socks off. If you have managed to have an orgasm, which I know most have, either with someone or with your own hand, or own inner experience, then you know there are higher states. I'm here to tell you there are states beyond those that move beyond the word immense. If you have gotten accustomed to living at the same level of existence, rest assured that there is more waiting. We were not meant to be small, and along with this energy comes a greater awareness of self and others within the oneness, of which we are all integrated with. It is only the mind that believes it is separate. So, set yourself free.
Here is a link that was sent to me recently http://spiritualhangover.com/ , that will give good information on what is going if you are dealing with changes in your life you are unable to explain or make sense of.
I was also reading an article on Eckhart Tolle's website that I found beneficial:
I've been doing a lot of dancing to assist me in what is emerging within myself. I went to a Marimba fest at the local Unitarian Fellowship and the music was so incredible. I danced my butt off, just listening to the music and letting spirit move from within my body. I was moved from tears, to joy, and then some. It was an experience to watch those around me sitting, standing who do not allow themselves to move, and I could feel the judgments as well, and that is the freeing part of the process, of getting out of one's head and getting into one's body. The self expression at a soul level is beyond words; literally. I recall being in a class on body movement and we were all on the floor letting ourselves just roll all over the place. There people who could not allow themselves to roll, rather their egos had them by the gonads. When you watch children, they are not encumbered with ego thinking that locks their spirit in a mental prison. As Jesus said, "Until you become like children, you will not enter the kingdom."
The other night, I felt like I was giving birth to an elephant and it was music that came on that moved me to get up and move. It was techno music and it was exactly the right kind and tempo to get out what needed to get out. I danced out my tears, frustrations, and all that the feelings I had no words for. We often "think" we have to figure it out or worse, we think we have it figured out. But, language itself is limiting, as it cannot describe most of what goes on beyond the tried and true. So, when we have things that come up we have no words for, it is appropriate to embrace that we don't have to know. Allow yourself to be in the moment and free yourself from all that is needing to be birthed. We are so locked down that it is sort of like having the Sun on your back and you cannot move it. The only thing that can is spirit, your inner spirit. Let go and keep letting go. There are infinite levels to letting go and I have continually come to new levels all the time and each time I am at a loss as to where the hell that one came from. I don't question or argue with it, just let it go, letting go of struggling, of figuring it out, of containing it; just let go has become my mantra: http://www.peterussell.com/LGN/JustLGo.html
Time to go and take care of some errands. Blessings...
I posted a new link to the psychedelic link page and will post it here as well. The link is to an international message board that neither condemns nor condones drug use, and is more interested in disseminating information and having open dialogues. Here's the link: BlueLight
I got hit with something energetic a few weeks back in my heart chakra center, which shut down my breathing, not that I was choking, but I suddenly just lost my ability to breath and got really quiet; this was really weird. The next day, a Friday, I felt somewhat better, but was still not quite able to fully breathe in a full breath. I finished work, but by nightfall I started getting the chills really bad, and got a headache in the back of my neck, and got really tired. While laying down on my side, I felt something enter my left side, because I suddenly jerked. Saturday was a rough day, and I went to the Co-op to get some homeopathic medicine for the flu, some echinacea/golden seal, and found this stuff made of raw honey with elderberry, and some vitamin C. Using all this stuff and my vitamins, I felt much better by Sunday. I'd made an appointment with a woman I know who does Quantum Touch, to do an energy session. She concurred that something energetic had hit me. I'm back to normal, though some things have changed internally on an energetic level.
I wound up being impressed with the raw honey product and went to their website to read more about it; http://honeygardens.com/index.html. While looking around their website, I was reading about the bees and found out some interesting things that amazed me. Check it out. One really interesting part had to do with bees stinging humans on meridian points, check the article entitled The Angels of Agriculture. Upon reading how these bees seem to know where to sting us, I recalled living in Seattle and getting stung behind the right ear on the scalp by a hornet, while picking blackberries. The pain of that sting was like an electric jolt, shooting down my scalp, down the neck and into the upper shoulder area. I wondered what meridian was in that location, so did some on-line research till I found a site that had charts of the meridians. Low and behold, where I got stung was on the gall bladder meridian, and that makes me wonder what that was all about energetically, and what was going on with my health and well being then. I don't normally get stung, so it makes me think that perhaps I was in need of an energetic adjustment to my meridian system.
Having done a lot of acupuncture since 2002 for my kundalini and a car accident, I've been left with the realization that there is a lot more to Chinese medicine than we are aware of, even today. I suspect there is way more to it and with the advent of all these new healing modalities having to do with energy healing, I'm even more convinced that there is way more. I'm hoping to find out more about the gall bladder meridian shortly from my practitioner when I go in for my next session. Also there is an organization that deals with bee products and venom for healing, which is called apitherapy and has been around for centuries http://www.apitherapy.org/aboutus.html.
On another note, I was doing some healing energy work with a woman I met recently, which opened some doors on some past life stuff for her. I have been having past life stuff show up in my dreams as well the last year. Her situation had to do with she and I in a past life. Afterward our session, we talked about what came up for her, which made me recall some other incidents I've had with people I know here in Bellingham, odd things they said at key moments of interaction. I had one friend, who upon lying to me, had some rat run behind him into the gutter. He asked me what I saw, and upon telling him it was a rat, he proceeded to tell me I needed to pay attention to that. I did, he was the rat.
Another incident was with an older male whom I did some breath work. He had me on my back, up on my elbows, doing some breathing exercises with my stomach and chest. My neck was bothering me from my car accident, so he offered to hold my head at the neck area. While holding my head, I was doing the breathing exercises, as he coached me, when suddenly his other hand went around and grabbed hold of my chin, which I thought was odd. Immediately this inner voice came and said he was going to snap my neck. I just noticed this and went on with the exercise. When we were done, I told him what had transpired, and he reacted quite oddly, telling me I needed to pay attention to that. I told him I was and he interrupted me telling me that I wasn't, he was rather upset with me as if he was scolding me. I told him I could do both without losing my concentration. Later on, I found out he was high on marijuana while working on me. I don't have a problem with people who smoke pot, but I do have a problem when someone is working on me smoking it, especially without telling me about it. Needless to say, I stopped doing lessons with him, having had my own. I was left with the realization that he had snapped my neck in a past life. These realizations are not intellectual, there is a sort of an inner knowing. I also realized he was high when he would show up at the local dance he would put on. During those dances, I didn't realize it, but when I found out he was high during my session, the realization hit me that he was high during the dances, which would explain why he was so open, warm, and wanting hugs, and at other times, could and aloof. Someone I know, who knows him, mentioned that he gets high regularly. It is possible that psychical influences were trying to influence him with his hands on my head. I will explain this further in the next paragraph.
Again, I don't have a problem with pot, but when someone needs to use it daily to feel good, then there is a problem, an inner problem, an inability to let go and delve into deeper feelings and issues. On the other side of the coin, when one uses psychedelics, one is open to all sorts of psychic entities, some with positive, some with negative objectives. I've read accounts of this in many disciplines and have had my own experiences. A negative experience would be the trickster in the indigenous cultures. In my own experiences they show up in dreams, journey's, and are more so present when humans use psychedelics, due to their being shut down. When one is disconnected from spirit, one is open to being influenced psychically, mentally, emotionally, and indirectly physically. If you think this outrageous, consider the alcoholics use see roaming the streets during the day who are talking, sometimes yelling at the invisible. They are actually struggling against psychic entities. Bernard de Montreal discusses this in his book, "Beyond The Mind." This is why one should use psychedelics as spiritual tools in tandem with other healing modalities, along with having spiritual friends with whom to discuss and elaborate what is going on internally. It is unfortunate in this day and age, that there are not an awful lot of healers available at this level of engagement. Defense of the dark arts is not so far fetched in the Harry Potter books.
A more recent time was with a 20's male friend of mine, whom I've known since 2000. We were headed out to do some hiking up in the Cascade Mountains. While we are driving out on Mt. Baker Highway, this inner voice comes and tells me he's going to kill me. I pondered on it and accepted it, and continued on without saying anything. Again, as we approached the parking lot, the same voice said it again, and once more as we were about half way through our climb. We sat down and had lunch, then headed back, due to it being cold. It occurred to me that this was probably a past life experience, given the inner voice and familiarity to the other experiences I'd had.
A few weeks later, we had decided to do a journey, and while waiting for him to come over, my circuit breaker popped and the power went off. I turned it back on, and no sooner had turned back on my computer, when the phone rang and it was my friend. He came up and while we were talking, I was getting the computer back to where I was, when I noticed my homepage was on the browser, but the web address was http://sherdian.com versus http://shermanbuck.com. To say I was stunned was an understatement. I showed my friend the website, so I was not imagining things. It was for a town called Sheridan in Wyoming. Upon further searching, I found that it was near the battle of Little Bighorn, where Custer had attacked the Native Americans camped there without authorization. (odd how my history class in high school never shared that part - go figure).
So, finally we got on with the journey, and I was showing my friend how to be more conscious of his energy centers (chakras). I blind folded him so he couldn't see the shadow of my hand, and slowly moved my hand at different times across his heart chakra and at some point he began to become aware of my hand. I had him tell me when he felt it. My had was about a foot away from his chest area. At some point, he said he felt pain on the right side of his chest a bit down from his nipple area. He said it felt like an arrow. I thought that was odd, but reached over to the area and pretended as if the arrow was there energetically, and told him I was going to pull it out. I pulled it out and tossed it away energetically, then put my hands on the area and put healing energy into it. Then I had him repeat what I'd done, using his own hands, and then his own healing energy. When we were done the pain was gone. The whole episode made me strongly suspect it was past life stuff, perhaps between he and I. Here's an interesting take on karma.
I believe in healthy skepticism, but there are times when something just makes sense, some inner ah-ha that resonates with ones intuition. Later on, my friend moved to Colorado and I'd had this dream of being in a city near this building, which he was on the lower floors above ground level, and there was a piece about him being on some higher floor, and something very bad had happened to me. In the dream he was asleep on the lower floor. There's more to the dream, but it made sense that something had happened between us at some point when we were at higher levels of consciousness. I don't believe for a minute anymore that our history spans the limited dates given by science. If you believe in soul/spirit and reincarnation, then you know that eternity is a long time. And, I do believe that this Earth has known many civilizations of varying degrees of consciousness. Here is a website for Madame Blavatsky, who created the Theosophical Society, and includes an on-line version of her most famous writing, The Secret Doctrine, which lists sources for her information: http://www.blavatsky.net/blavatsky/secret_doctrine/secret_doctrine.htm.
Perhaps you think I am nuts? Perhaps not? When I look around the world at all the insanity, I'm not so inclined to be closed off to other possibilities. It is insanity that one loses their inner connection and loses their way, getting caught up in the tentacles of enculturation and dysfunction. I am also incline to embrace Jesus teaching of having eyes to see and ears to hear, wherein most people are blind and deaf due to their conditioning and their dysfunction. Insanity causes pain and suffering, destruction of Nature, the pollution of the air, water, soil we need to survive. Insanity allows for those at top to continue hoarding wealth and power while destroying countless others, causing pain and suffering at every step. Insanity creates a system wherein people go without food, clothing, housing, medical/dental, and a host of other atrocities. Insanity creates guilt, shame, and fear, which leads to crippled human beings who pretend they are normal, sane, and cognizant. Nothing could be more further from the truth. Humankind is so badly traumatized, it doesn't even know it's traumatized and out of touch with the inner. When one is ready to see and hear, they will relinquish the hold the dark has had on them for many, many lifetimes.
I'll end this with a bumper sticker I like: "Question Authority", question what it is you think you know, and as Buddha states:
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."