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October 2006



10-09-06 -

I haven't written in quite awhile. I've been melting away more layers, exploring uninhabited places long forgotten for all of us. Been doing a lot of journeying lately, getting away to the ocean to find myself again, and again, and again. I have been awed, amazed, shocked, horrified, grief stricken, and opened up like a volcano rupturing and spewing out its essence, past the blockages that bound it for eons. I had a block that needed to open up five years ago, something within a lucid dream, and I was not ready for that visitor and what they were trying to get me to open up too. I was camping on the beach this August and someone walked by and I experienced their grief empathically. The grief was so overwhelming, that my knees literally buckled, and the grief was experienced as if it were my own. I was being given a lesson in knowing others pain and suffering. It was horrible and yet it was a precursor to my own grief that started to open. I moved as fast as I could into a sheltered area in the wilds where no one could find me and the dam broke. I collapsed to the ground face down and sobbed horribly for two hours. I was hit with the remembrance of coming in at birth conscious as a soul. The realization that hit was I was no longer in my spiritual home, that I was here on earth now. It was horrible, beyond words, only able to be understood from remembering directly and unearthing the feelings and emotions involved. 

The whole time I was sobbing, I was incapacitated; could not move at all. While all this is going on, the remembrances came in like waves, washing over me, opening up areas that had been shut down by my higher self a long time ago. I'd had a large chunk of my early year memories suppressed and they began to unravel before me. I was able to see that I struggled as a soul in a child's body until about 8 yrs or so, and then it became to tormenting to tolerate the dysfunction and insanity of where I lived, surrounded by closed minds and hearts, both at home, school, and church, not to mention the community. I remembered that a great many souls come in with that remembrance and struggle with it terribly so. There was a piece about some souls are better adept at surviving that. They are the autistic ones, who are able to psychically remove themselves within and be untouched. I've had an experience with one and at the time, I didn't understand it, but understood it as I was sobbing. I'm not one of those adept ones, for I have a great sensitivity to too many things. And the thought occurs to me, that perhaps it is not being adept, as much as it is trying to stay as present as possible to effect change in the little piece of the world we were born into.

The realization also hit me that something needed to be done to create a space where these souls coming in can be free to unfold into what they already are. They don't need anything from us, other than to love them, and give them what they need in terms of a secure place full of unconditional love, acceptance, non-judgment, and protection from the insanity that runs like a plague on this plane of existence. I howled horribly, yelled, cursed, and lay their immobilized, saliva running out my open mouth, mucous running out my nose, and it came to a point I had to urinate something fierce, and yet I still couldn't move, and I had to ponder that I might have to just let go as I lay there, much like infants do. Some how, I found the discipline to motivate myself to stagger to a wobbly stance to go. The rest of the day was discombobulated, as more and more realizations kept coming up.

Those realizations continue to come like a raging river and I work with them, integrate them, come to understand them, and balance them and the energy out. For it takes a great deal of energy to suppress that sort of awareness; humungous amounts. I've struggled with sharing this, because some people don't want to hear this nor do they want to believe it, and yet, I didn't come to this planet to be what everyone else wants me to be. None of us did. And, I have had to come full circle with this belief I had, that was taught to me by culture, by religion, that there is us, and then there is our soul, as well as spirit, as if they are different separate aspects. I know longer believe that garbage, for we are indelibly connected to soul and spirit. It is as if we are like one of those hour sand glass, with one half submerged into the dense matter of this plane and the other still up in the higher dimensions. the higher portion is always there to assist us and over ride situations should the lower self get into difficulties. This does not lessen who we are, but we most surely are not our personalities and never have been. They were constructed when we were souls in an immature body struggling to get integrated with learning how to move, crawl, stand, walk, run; all the while learning how to speak the language, to communicate with the adults, and to begin to be able to navigate in the world. But, in most cases we are met with a lock down on physical freedom, access to knowledge, and because we are in small bodies, cannot stand up, nor speak out against the dysfunction that permeates this planet.

Lest I be considered a little out of touch, I will share some things that spirit guided me to work with prior to this opening. I was told to go back and look at my years in the school system as a kid, and to put who I am today in those places and situations. I spent several hours doing this and it was stunning to say the least. It's so far removed from what we perceive and how we perceive, that it is effectively blocked out of our consciousness. What I am suggesting is we were conscious like we are now. We had feelings, emotions, desires, wants, fears, etc. What goes on in schools is in some ways, worse than on the outside world, yet it is a mirror of what the adults do to their children at home. I have continued to look at things in a different light and the realizations are just stunning. One example I recalled was of being in high school and having a bully come to me and grab me by the front of my shirt and slam me up against the wall to intimidate me. There were students all around me and no one did anything, nor were there any teachers around, and they usually avoided that sort of stuff if they could get away with it. The realization was that this usually doesn't happen in the real world in general. People usually intervene and it is usually not done in broad daylight as it is in schools. Other examples were the shaming tactics, name calling, ostracizing those that don't fit into a particular click. These things go on because the children are going unconscious and they are trying to create some sense of isolating themselves from those who might remind them of what they don't want to remember within themselves. One really needs to get a firm grasp on what the hell projection is, because it is behind the fear, shame, guilt, hatred, violence; all a call for unconditional love.

In the meantime, It's late, and I have work tomorrow. Things have changed drastically for me, realizing old patterns that I had to do in order to get my needs met in my little hell hole in NY and then my subsequent journey of being led by my higher self to finally arrive 5 years later in Washington, where I was led to particular people who would be my helpers in unraveling my masks, as I'm sure I have done with them as well; it's the way the dance works. They probably don't even know their parts, big or small, but I am in gratitude for being led out of some pretty suffocating places, to free up who I am. Changes continue to pour out, but that is what the universe is, constant change, and we were meant to live in that realm, to be open to the possibilities and synchronicities we came down here to engage as a soul. I shudder at the overwhelming illusion that it is and yet we go on as if it is the most wonderfully fulfilling thing in the world, going around blaming others or hurting others, not even realizing what the hell we are doing. There's way too much to even get into at this time, nor do I want too. But, I do want to share a couple of links that shed further light on my experience. Others are aware of this stuff: Also addresses a book called Mysticism" by Evelyn Underhill

Treat yourself gently, you are more than you ever dreamed of...


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